Let's face it, you'd be hard pressed to find a house with so much culture and sophistication as number 54. So why not find out if you possess the right qualities to fit in to such an awe-inspiring house? Here we present the twenty most important questions that will determine your ability to live in a house like 54.

Come now friends, sharpen your mind, dull your wit and take the only test in the world whose results mean absolutely nothing!

1. It's the end of the day and you could eat the arse off a rhinoceros. But, arrhg, the kitchen is a shithole. What do you do?

I would I don't know. Pick up a plate from the floor, clean it up and make something easy. Get a takeaway. Clean the whole kitchen because it's been getting you down for six weeks now.

2. Which is the correct combination?

The correct combination is I don't know. Shit, shower then shave. Shower, shit then shave. Shave, shit then shower.

3. There are stale pizza crusts on the floor. What do you do about it?

I would I don't know. Heat them up in the microwave and eat them. Cover them up with a plate. Throw them out the window at passers by.

4. How many water-filled condoms does it take to fill a standard house bathtub? You could get I don't know. six eight ten dirty water-balloons in my bath.

5. The floor is wet in the bathroom. Why?

It is obviously because I don't know. Someone has just had a shower. A condom water balloon has recently burst. It's piss.

6. Complete this sentence...

Fuck my bum I don't know. with something that will hum. to make me cum. then fuck my mum.

7. What is the proper etiquette when one has to flatulate?

I would I don't know. Lift one's buttocks from the furniture before letting rip. Exclaim loudly what a ripper it was. Waft it away using one's hand.

8. What does a 'special burger' consist of? It is made up of I don't know. Burger, onions, bacon Burger, cheese, doner meat Burger, egg, cheese.

9. It is the start of a brilliant, bright sunny morning. What is the first thing you do?

I would I don't know. Sleep through it. Masturbate to your imagination's content. Fart very loudly and wallow in its glory.

10. What is borsch?

It is I don't know. A Russian and Polish soup based on beetroot. A diacritical mark placed over a letter to represent a long vowel. The retractable fold of skin covering the tip of the penis or clitoris.

11. What is the one thing you could easily go without doing for a year?

I would fuck off I don't know. Brushing my teeth Washing up Ironing and no mistake.

12. Which of these is your favourite word?

I like the sound of I don't know. Sputum. Smegma. Sagacious.

13. Thirteen is unlucky for some. What would be unlucky for the house? It would be a proper bastard if I don't know. It was rent day. The 32" widescreen telly blew up. A psychic, psychotic woman lived next door.

14. Do you ever wash your bathtowels?

I would have to say I don't know. Yes. No. I use my dressing gown.

15. What is the maximum lifespan of a standard mansize tissue?

The maximum-lifespan tissue lasts I don't know. One blow, two wipes. One blow, one cleanup, one wipe. Three cleanups.

16. Which of these diseases would make a great name for a nightclub dance move? I would dance the I don't know. Shingles. Crabs. Yellow fever.

17. Which of these would be the most useful skill to have in the house?

I would have skills in I don't know. Lockpicking. Cooking and cleaning. Video and television repair.

18. Complete this well-known phrase...

You can always rely on I don't know. water lager wine at all times

19. What is the highest bill you are likely to pay?

It is the I don't know. Electricity Gas Phone bill.

20. And finally, what is pi to ten decimal places?

I would have to say I don't know. 3.1415926536. Mince and Onion. Doesn't pie have an 'e'?

Mark me up, landlord!


That test was too hard